Break out the flood pants...

I live in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. I don't know how many of you have seen the news about Cedar Rapids but we have been having the flood of the Century. The flood waters have actually gone high enough to force an area hospital to evacuate. Luckily there is another down the street from it!

I have not posted recently because I have been helping out at the hospital that flooded. I helped with all of the sandbagging efforts to try and help save this hospital. The hospital staff was nice enough to give me a pair of scrubs to wear for my efforts (to try and save my own clothing). You know how scrubs always seem just hang on actors/actresses on the tv shows? No matter how much I tried, I couldn't get that look. I asked for a XXL (which didn't fit) so then I had to go up to a XXXL for pants. Since they were skin tight around my hips I didn't exactly tie them. I grabbed an XXL scrub shirt (that barely fit around my hips but fit nicely over my 42AA chest. I guess you aren't supposed to be able to see an hour-glass figure under scrubs but everyone sure saw my figure.

You know what I found out about my butt-shelf? Scrubs don't cover my underwear over the top of my shelf. My underwear sticks out bad!

The good thing though? I was able to sandbag for 4 hours with minimal breaks in work. I stood with a line full of other people and was able to keep up with out lacking due to my less-than-in-shape-self. Of course, yesterday and today I am paying for all of the heavy lifting. My biceps (who knew I even had any under that flab?) hurt something fierce! And, I made sure to pick the best "healthiest" snacks I could during the past two days of utter chaos. Lots of fruit, water, and yogurt.

Anyway, the weight loss efforts are still in full force! I will do it this time. I will own up to what I eat. I won't hide.

"It is time for us all to stand and cheer for the doer, the achiever - the one who recognizes the challenge and does something about it." ~ Vincent Lombardi

Soccer Mom??

We just bought a minivan!! What the hell?! When did a morph into a minivan-buying, “I want more room” mom? I remember a time, not all that long ago, that I was making out in the back seat of a minivan with a guy who borrowed his parents’ minivan to come and take me out on a date. Rather than going any where on our date, we sat in my driveway and made out for, like, 3 hours or something crazy like that!

How did I get from being a teenager in the back seat of a minivan to a mom who can’t wait to drive one with her kids in the backseat? OK, sure, I really wanted it because what mother wants to listen to her kid cry for an hour while on a road trip? It isn’t like you can convince an infant not to cry. Right? (If I am wrong about this I would love to know your secrets!)
Ok, imagine this: You are in your Hyundai Santa Fe with your adoring husband who is always too happy to drive (because your driving tends to make him sick). You are sitting in the passenger seat with a little 10 pound Yorkie in your lap. (Heaven forbid you don’t take him anywhere – that is why you go the little dog, right?) You have a four-year-old in the back seat, kicking the back of your brand new “what-the-hell-were-you-thinking-car-buying-tan-interior” driver’s seat (who also gets carsick by the way) and the baby is facing the rear of the car as the law says and hates being strapped in his car seat. You are driving along, kids are sleeping, and the back is full. You and your husband are having a pleasant conversation about how long it will take you to get to your parent’s house (9 HOURS!) and what you will be doing once you get there (up for at least 24 hours because your kids slept most of the way). All of a sudden you hear the paci drop in the backseat. You know it is a matter of minutes before the wailing.

Do you:
A) give the dog to your husband, unbelt (uh, oh breaking the law already), and lean over the seat to use the mirror to figure out where the paci is in correlation to the baby’s mouth
B) crawl into the backseat and wedge your hips in between the two car seats to help baby feel better because then he can see your face (*disclaimer* if you pick this one – you did not read my first post on this blog)
C) listen to the baby cry until you want to either pull out your hair, cry yourself to sleep, or jump out of the said moving SUV
D) get a minivan so you have a third row of seats so if A doesn’t work you can go on with B in some way.

We chose D. We all know I am not the first mom to succumb to the horror of a minivan. Heehee, my best friend succumbed first! But I did succumb. The ease of having two doors that open, that my four-year-old cannot smash into the car next to us no less, will be helpful not to mention if we have company – we don’t have to take two vehicles just because there is one or two extra people. Unless of course it is my in-laws, then I foresee way too much stuff in the back that it would be inconvenient to move just for one trip across town to that pizza shop that I am totally NOT going to eat in, just pick at my food because I am losing weight!

My journey into adulthood is complete…I have gone from a teenager making out in the back of the van to Soccer Mom in as little as 10 (ok…maybe 15) years.

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." ~ Lao Tsu

Family Jeans

How is it even possible that when my dad is over 6 feet tall and my mom is 5’9” I end up being 5’4”? Everyone in my family is tall. Although my mom has struggled with weight a bit over the years, the rest of my family is thin!

My mom is one of those few people that I know that lost a bunch of weight. She went from a size 18 to a size 10/12. She did by buying her own business and getting so stressed out that she didn’t eat anymore.

When I get stressed do I stop eating? Heck no! I eat more. More chocolate, more sugar, more pop, more pizza. More anything unhealthy! When most people get mono don’t they lose weight? Not me. I gain it. After trying Atkins for 2 months I was doing well with weight loss of almost 40 pounds. I kept it off for 6 months. Then I got mono. Then I got pregnant. Then I went on bed-rest.

Excuses, excuses. I know. But why do we think we need to make excuses when everyone, including ourselves, know there are none? I try to justify it in my mind. “This is the reason I can’t lose weight…” or “If I just stop eating then I will be thin…” Then there is my favorite, “If I don’t let anyone see me eating it, I didn’t really eat it.” Heehee. Because all of those calories and all that fat understand that logic!

My step-mom used to tell me I was fat. Not only did she tell me I was fat but she used to buy me clothes that were too small on purpose. She used to tell me that I needed to stop eating. I would live with my dad and step-mom for a month in the summer and during that time I would be forced to live on a diet. A small bowl of cheerios for breakfast “NO SUGAR!” She would remind me of this every morning. A salad with very little dressing at lunch. My step-sister got to monitor me because she was older than me (by about 7 years – she was a size 0). An apple for a snack mid-afternoon. (Why not let me add peanut butter to it or something to help make it more exciting?) And then whatever we were having for supper.
Folks…I was 8.

Does that sound healthy? Yes. Does that sound plausible for an 8-year-old? Yes. (Well, except for the “no sugar!” on the cereal). What it helpful? No.

Now that I am a mom myself, I try to give my kids healthy choices. I offer my daughter a banana or an apple for a snack. If she doesn’t want fruit I try peanut butter and crackers or some meat and cheese. I try to make snack time fun. Does anyone else remember “Ants on a Log”? (celery, peanut butter & raisins)

So, if I can do it for my kids – give them healthy choices I mean – then why aren’t I doing it for myself? Do you remember being little and only eating when you were hungry? I don’t. I am thankful everyday that my kids do and I encourage them to stop when they are full and to eat when they are hungry. And when my daughter comes up and says, “Mom, can I have strawberries?” (she is 4), I thank myself for at least having enough good sense to help teach my child to make healthy eating habits.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” ~ Thomas Edison

New to Blogging

I never thought of myself as a blogger. I barely even read blogs. What I am is someone who wants to post how much I love my kids, love my husband and am trying to love myself.

What I am looking for is a way to talk to no one in particular. I have some friends, I have some family, and I know I have people who love me but I just don't want to talk to them about this.

Here is my hope: I want to find a way to be real about what I need to do - without anyone knowing who I am.

Here is my first confession: 3 months ago I weighed 302 pounds. I am absolutely in horror of this. It seems like just yesterday I was getting married and I was complaining about being 218 pounds. It was 8 years ago. I am only 30 years old. How is that possible? (Not the being 30 but it only taking 8 years to gain 100 pounds!) Sure, I was 22 years old when I got married. Sure, I have had 2 kids since then. Sure, I did not watch what I ate (most of the time, occassionally I would try a new diet or something but mostly - ate what I wanted).

Here is my second confession: I wear a size 24. This also surprises me. I don't know why. What, did I really expect to be able to wear a size 12 when I weigh 300+ pounds? Ha.

Here is my last confession: I eat in secret. Obviously I eat in front of my husband as well, even more often in front of my kids (sometimes eating their food too *cringe*). But mostly, I try to eat where nobody else can see me. Why is that? Why do I feel like I need to hide my large, 300+ pound self? Heck where can I even hide? *smirk*

So what I have decided is to put it all out there. Literally. Here are all my darkest secrets exposed for anyone with a good search engine to find.

There are a few things that made me laugh and cry at the same time - usually having to do with my kids.

1. One time I kissed my daughters belly button. She giggled and thought it was funny to kiss mine. She raised my shirt and found my belly button. But rather than kiss it, she started poking at my tummy and making it jiggle. I wanted to cry but I made it look like I was laughing. I write this and kind of laugh but really - it says something about why I need to do this.

2. Last week my 4-year-old daughter tried on my underwear. She could put her arms through the leg holes - with her legs in the leg holes. HOLY CRAP!

3. My son (11-months-old) likes to sit on the large part of my tummy right beneath my breasts (which are all but non-existent - hey, that is just NOT fair to be so huge and have no boobs)!

4. When a couple has sex, suction noises should not come from tummies. Enough said.

5. I had to travel on business two weeks ago, I had to borrow a seatbelt extender from the flight attendant after the demonstration.

OK, well that is enough examples for now. Probably more than enough honesty for one day.


The main reason I decided to start this today - this is my first day on Weight Watchers. It is my first step to a non-suctioning, non-jiggling, non-kid-sitting-on-my-tummy, only the one seatbelt me. I am going to find the strength and determination to lose the weight. Maybe trying to make some confessions here will help me on my way.


"You must do the thing you think you cannot do." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt